GPS for Grief

Monday night I attended my first high school basketball game. It was a girls JV game and my husband’s grandaughter was one of the players.  I don’t really get basketball but I do get that grandpa needs to be at a game or two so I got the schedule from his daughter and found the game that was closest to us on a night we could attend. 

Game time: 7:30pm.
Location:  Frankenmuth, MI
It was a home game and they were playing their rivals, Millington.  It was “the big game” for the season.  I left Ron (aka: hubby) in charge of getting us there on time.

He drove well and we got to the school with three minutes to spare.  I stepped into the gym and said to Ron, “Those are not girls holding the basketballs.”  We were at the wrong school.  Ron had mistakenly driven us to Millington HS instead of Frankenmuth.

We got back in the car and made our way to the right school knowing that we were now going to miss the first quarter of the game.  When we got to Frankenmuth I asked Ron, “Do you know where the highschool is?” I thought it was a reasonable question. 

He answered, “Yes. Well, sorta”.  HMMMMMM.

We pulled into three school parking lots before we finally found the right one and saw the last half of the game. 

Clearly there is a huge difference between men and women and it goes way beyond basic anatomy.  I’ve talked to a few folks about this issue and their opinions on the subject run true to their gender. 

Women wonder why the man can’t get directions BEFORE he gets in the car and know where he is going rather than wander aimlessly throughout the land hoping for a sign that will lead him to the destination.  Men are confident that they know where they are going without the stinkin’ directions and are a bit offended whenever the women suggests they should ask for help. 

Ron has a gps system that he affectionately calls, “Naggy Maggy”.  He of course did not bring it because he knew where we were going and how to get there.  HMMMMMMMM.

In his defense, a map would not have helped him.  He did know how to get to both schools (generally).  He simply failed to clarify which school the game was at. I told him it could happen to anyone but the next time we need to take a trip together we should consider  knowing where we are going and have clear directions.  He, of course had no problem with that statement because he always knows where he is going and is never lost.  Real men don’t get lost.  Let’s just say neither one of us was entirely happy that night.

Men and women really are different; in thinking, in temperament, in emotions AND in how they feel and express their grief.  It is not wise or helpful to project our expectations of how grief ought to act upon others. 

My grief is unique to me based upon my relationship with the deceased and my own temperament.  I have grieved the death of my husband the way that has seemed best for me.  It has been misunderstood by some and maybe even judged as wrong.  Wrong for who?

I believe the Lord has guided me in expressing my grief in ways that have been healing and healthy for me.  At times that has appeared to be strange to others.  Oh well!  I alone can drive my grief and know if the direction I am headed is right.  Nobody likes a back-seat driver.

The point?  Do not expect your spouse or other members of your family to grieve the same way you do.  Men and women are very different. 

Do not insist upon directing someone elses grief from the “back-seat”.  Their grief may take a different turn than yours.

As you grieve you may need to take a “male” approach.  There is no map for your journey with grief.  As a woman I really prefer to have a detailed itinerary in hand before starting any journey.  I have had to learn to travel the road of grief without it.  I have had a gps system to refer to along the way.  God has been my guide.

If you are male you may need to take a more feminine approach and ask for help.  Real men aren’t afraid to ask for directions.  REALLY!!!  Ask the Lord to help you.  Think of Him as your personal GPS system. Men like technology and handy gadgets.  Think of God as your high-tech assistant.

When it comes to grief you will just have to get in and drive and trust the Lord to help you get to the other side where health and healing reside.  God is trustworthy.  He knows the way.  He will guide you if you ask Him to.

The team lost the game.  It did not matter because our granddaughter, Kendra played a fierce game really well. That would of course, be the woman perspective on a sporting event and not even close to what the average man would think.

On the issue of men and women and the need for a map?  I’ve got nothing.  There doesn’t appear to be a solution to this universally maddening dilemma.  I have decided to do the best I can and trust my husband to get us there.  I will also study the map before getting in the car - just in case.  It will still not make either one of us happy.  Oh well.

Karen