Spring Cleaning

Yesterday was a national holiday; Memorial Day.  I spent the day, like most Americans, with some leisure activities and a trip to Home Depot.  I went with my husband, Ron.  It was the first time I traveled into the area known as “hardware heaven” with my new guy.  We were getting paint and cleaning supplies for the parsonage we live in.  It’s time for some spring cleaning.  (It is still spring! I am not too late!)

The store staff was quite helpful.  One asked me if they could help me find what I was looking for.  Apparently I looked quite puzzled and uncertain as I stopped to gaze down each aisle.  I responded, “I’m looking for my husband. Do you know what aisle I can find a lost husband?”  He chuckled and said, “Probably hardware. Aisle 8.”  

He was right.  Ron was looking for the right screws to anchor a shelf on the wall.  When I pulled the cart up along side him he smiled and went into a monologue about the qualities and properties of various screws. (I think they were screws. I’m actually not that sure) Clearly he was not lost.  He knew where he was and what he was doing. I was the one who had somehow lagged behind and gotten off track.   

It was good to take a break from work and what is our normal routine and do something different and new even if it was looking at a bag of screws.

 I wish grief took a holiday.  It would be so good just to have a day off from grief.  In those early years after my husband, David’s death I prayed that grief would take a vacation.  Just give me a day or two without painful memories or tearful moments invading my otherwise happy existence.  Grief does not rest.  It does not need a vacation.  It doesn’t give you a break on the holidays.

In fact, the holidays are the moments that grief tends to be at its worst.  It seems to grow in magnitude and effect on holidays.  Perhaps its because those days are so family-oriented.  Maybe its because they remind us that what we always did on those days seems to have died with our loved-one.  The holidays force us to deal with the upheaval and uncertainty that death has visited upon us.  Grief thrives on holidays.

I pray that your Memorial Day was filled with restful and pleasant activities.  I pray that your grief will shrink with each passing day.  I pray for a reprive from all holidays.  My best advise?  Hang in there. The grief will give way to a new pattern of living and a new purpose and plan.  It will be painful and it will take far more time than you hoped.  The pain will give way to brighter days.  Give yourself permission to feel what you feel through this season of grief and remember  – a season comes…. and then it goes.  Spring gives way to summer.  It always does.  This season will pass.

Spring is soon passing into summer.  I better pick up the brush and get that bathroom painted.  I do not want to be stuck in spring-cleaning when summer gets here.  This too shall pass!

Karen

Grief and Grandma

My new grandson is a squishy, pudgy, squeezable ball of sweetness.  He’s 6 weeks old which means he mostly eats, sleeps and poops.  The occasional smile is most probably gas. Nevertheless I found my day with him to be absolutely wonderful.

Malachi came to visit his grandma for the day.  He lives 9 hours from me which is just horrible – making his visit even more precious.  We had a wonderful time doing mostly nothing.  I could get used to this grandparent gig.  Nice. Really nice.

In between squeezes I brushed away a tear knowing that Malachi will never know his grandpa who passed away 6 years ago.  His great-grandpa came to visit and held him ever so carefully.  Malachi was probably the heaviest thing that great-grandpa had lifted in quite a few years. His face lit up for that brief moment Malachi was in his arms and then grandpa handed him back before anything could go wrong. Wise man.  That too brought a tear or two.  David’s dad was still there to love and care for David’s grandson just like he has cared for David’s kids. 

Family survives even when death robs you of the one dearest to you.  Love remains.  The next generation reminds us that life is still worth living and that there are still many good days ahead of us even while we grieve. 

I look forward to Malachi’s return in June.  There will be another day for this grandma to rock that grandson. 

I look forward to the wedding of my youngest in October.  It will be a day full of joy and pride … and tears.

I look forward to a trip to the beach with my sister. We will visit my daughter Lisa and enjoy the sand and sun.

I look forward to a honeymoon in Jamaica with Ron on our first anniversary.

Grief tells us that there is no life after death.  It is a lie.  There is still much of life to live.  There are still good days ahead. Hold on… the pain will ease and there will be sunny days filled with love and family and joy.  Hold on.  Hang in there.  It gets better. 

It is the 6th year since my husband died and I think this year is the best one yet.  Year one and two were awful.  I am so glad I did not give up on life and love during those pain-filled days.

Hold on.  Better days are on the way. 

Karen

Mothers Day for those Who Grieve

Mothers Day is behind us. 

It was a busy day at church.  Lots of people.  Lots of grown children attending with mom or grandma. It was all good and I’m sure the moms and grandmas were sufficiently pleased.  

I spent the afternoon checking in with the ‘missing in action’.  There was the young woman who at 30 years of age and many years of marriage is still waiting to be a mom.   Mother’s day was spent at home with her hubby. 

There was my friend whose dog just died.  He was her family.  She raised him from a pup and she most certainly mothered him for the past 15 years.  Her loss is deep and real but mothers of dogs are not recognized as mothers.  She also chose to skip the mothers day revelry.

There were two others whose mother had just passed away in the past few months.  They too were awol.  Mothers Day is like walking through a mine field for those who grieve.  It’s like walking on nails.  It’s like a knife twisted in an open wound.  It’s sorrow upon sorrow; loss magnified to the umpth degree.

I’m sure the people who thought up the holiday we know as Mothers Day had very good intentions at the time.  It’s not a bad idea to honor and acknowledge the love and efforts of mom.  What could possibly be bad about a special day for such special women?   

I spoke with the missing in action and found them all to be coping well; busy and active in some way through most of the day.  Just not going anywhere near those celebrating the day.  I assured them all that God still loved them even if they were awol.  On this day of worship they were missing from their normal pew.  I believe God knows and understands that some days the best you can do is stay away from the rest of humanity.  God knows just how awful grief can be.  Jesus was “a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief”.   He knows just how painful life can be.   

I pray you had a good day on Sunday.  Whether you worshipped with your mom or celebrated the day in some way or even if you just hunkered down in your bunker and prayed for the day to pass,  God knows.  God sees.  God understands.  

For those who find Mothers Day to be just unbearable;  to all who grieve through the holiday no matter what the holiday is I offer you a special dispensation -  You get a pass.  You have permission to refuse to participate.  Even if the rest of the neighborhood doesn’t get it and can’t understand why you wont just snap out of it and join the party – it’s OK.  God sees.  God knows.  And He gets it!  You get a pass.

The holiday is behind us.  Take a deep cleansing breath and poke your head out of your bunker.  Today is going to be a beautiful day.  A brand new day filled with hope and possibility.  May you have a blessed day after Mothers Day.  Remember, God is with you. God is for you.  God gets it!

Karen